Loneliness on the spiritual path takes different forms. Being on a spiritual path means understanding that we are part of a larger whole and seeking to live in accordance with it. This larger whole works in ways that are usually different from the fear based illusions that cut us off from it, therefore aligning with wholeness means developing the larger perspective necessary to experience it. Change in perspective is seldom easy or comfortable so we tend to resist it until life gives us a little assistance, usually in the form of obstacles/challenges. Although this is often painful and scary, these experiences are important in helping us to let go and open to new ways of thinking/being. Loneliness is one of those obstacles.
At the beginning of the path, you discover a whole new world of ideas and possibilities. Most people are insatiably excited and curious and do a lot of research; reading and talking with others who have experience or expertise. As your mind opens, you want to share your excitement with other people in your life, not all of whom are interested. Sometimes they are skeptical, other times they are uncomfortable with the topic due to misinformation or they are afraid you believe in things that are dangerous or crazy. They want things to be the way they have always been and they wait for you to return to “normal.”
As you continue on the path, not only do your interests and beliefs change, but you also notice that much of the way people interact is based on fear/illusion/limitation. It is like an invisible code upon which interaction and social structure are based. Once you notice, it is difficult to go back to that way of interacting. You no longer buy into the idea that the world is falling apart, that life is stacked against you, that people are powerless, that there is such a thing as an enemy or that there is evil. You no longer wish to blame others for your difficulties, engage in shame or guilt based interactions, or to complain about many of the situations that you once liked to complain about. With these and other changes in how you interact, people who once were used to your responding to them in a certain way will not understand why you have changed. Because these ways of interacting are so much the norm, people may think you have become distant or insensitive. Although you still care for them and you understand, you may begin to feel lonely among the people with whom you once felt close. Even in casual conversations with strangers and acquaintances, it may seem like you are alone in a world very different from you.
In the area of sexual/romantic relationships you may notice that the same fear, illusion and lack governs how people relate to each other and the partners they choose, creating relationships based on living out false needs (also known as a co-dependent relationship). Using this definition, co-dependency is what exists whenever people relate to each other without awareness of their motivations, or when they are aware but are not being honest about it with themselves or their partner (because of fear/illusion/lack). Once you realize the false needs that underlie relationship, it becomes very difficult to continue to relate in this manner. It is being out of alignment with your own truth, and feels emotionally similar to having a part of your body out of alignment. It does not feel “right” and can even feel painful. Once you choose to relate to yourself and to others from alignment with your truth, the number of romantic prospects diminishes significantly. If you are in a relationship, this is often the point where relationships either must change significantly or end. Although the ending is often painful, your inner knowing has grown to the point where the cost of holding on is much more than that of moving on. So you move on.
Not being in a relationship is such a scary feeling to most people that it is often referred to as being alone. We have needs; emotional, sexual, social, emotional and otherwise that we expect our partner(s) to meet. Many of these needs are based on fear/illusion/lack. Some of these fears: what people will think if they know we are not seeing anyone, if they knew we were alone on Saturday night, whether there is something wrong with us if we cannot find a partner, if perhaps we are not worthy, attractive, abundant, successful, etc. It is odd that many people prefer to be in a relationship that is not fulfilling or be continually looking for someone to fill fear/illusion/lack than to not be in a relationship. Such is the intensity of the fear. It is fear of yourself.
It is also common to use relationships as a way of avoiding facing all the “stuff” that comes up as you spend time alone. This “stuff” is all the fear/illusions/lack that keeps you from experiencing true love in the first place. Although true love is a most wonderful experience, the facing of the deep emotions and beliefs about worthiness, lack, loneliness, etc. is like a kind of death. Painful baggage, limiting though it may be, is still something familiar and thus comforting to hold onto, especially if you feel afloat all alone in a vast sea of uncertainty.
True love is knowing your own worth and the worth of others as irrelevant because we are made of love. When you already are something, there is no need to try and live up to it or fear that you are not worthy of it. That you are love is a given. There is no such thing as worth or value. When you have this experience in your body, mind and emotions (instead of just understanding it intellectually) it changes the way you experience yourself and how you wish to be in the world. Not only will your relationships change, your concept of relationship will change. This process is often referred to as enlightenment. For some it happens instantly and unexpectedly, but for many people it is a gradual, ongoing process of opening to the love/light that is inside all people and all of creation. Enlightenment (or perhaps it would be more accurate to call it “enlightening”) does not mean you will never feel lonely, but that you will experience this, and all emotions, from the perspective of the larger picture of wholeness, contentment and fulfillment. It is like feeling lonely while also feeling not alone. It is feeling incredibly wonder-filled inside and full of joy, while also acknowledging the desire to act on this feeling with others, to share it more openly. One of the biggest challenges of the spiritual path is being able to hold in your consciousness and heart the most incredible joy and connectedness and the pain of the separation and fear of humanity (including your own). Coming from the experience of connectedness, humanity will always include you because we are all one. I find this comforting because it relieves me of the expectation that spirituality means having worked through my issues enough to not feel loneliness, pain or any of the other feelings I once thought of as negative. It is not about the emotions themselves, it is about how I feel about myself in relation to them. Loneliness has taught me a lot about that.
Loneliness has been a constant companion and teacher for me on the spiritual path. Although at one time it felt like a huge burden of darkness, it is now a good friend in that it has provided the motivation to keep on this path and find within myself the fulfillment/wholeness/love I felt was missing. From my earliest memories, I felt like I was alone. Although I was not abandoned physically and my basic needs were met, my need for love was not met. It was not that my parents and those around me did not love me. I know they loved me very much (at least I do now). I just had within me a need to love and be loved (to express love with others) in a certain way that never happened. I now understand it as a homing signal to remember true love (divine/unconditional/higher love), but at the time I did not know this and it was very difficult. True love is not the predominant paradigm of love expressed at this time, so even as an adult it can be difficult. As a child, especially one who had never heard of true love and had nobody who understood what was happening with me to support me, being love was a difficult, lonely path. It always felt like something was missing and I had an aching need for love that was not being met. I became interested in personal growth at a very early age (probably in a search for answers/fulfillment) and was fascinated with psychology, sociology and anything having to do with how people interact. However, as a very intuitive person, even as a really young child, I could easily see that even the people who presented themselves as experts, and whom many people turned to for reassurance, support or information to feel better, were usually adrift in their own fear/lack/illusion and did not often truly believe (live) what they talked about. As a result, I had (and often still have) very little respect for authority based on titles, academic study or career accomplishments. I was (and still am) much more interested in their inner journeys and courage to live who they truly are inside.
While all this had me feeling even lonelier, it also was the foundation for a very strong sense of self that has little to do with external accomplishments and appearances and therefore has been very stable and unchanging, even as I sometimes seemed adrift in a world in which I did not fit. Everyone else seemed to go about life as if nothing was missing and I was the person who needed help (although admittedly I did). I spent my childhood and teenage years and much of my twenties feeling like the only person who noticed the Emperor had no clothes. I “coped” by hiding my pain and loneliness in addiction, unhealthy behaviors and defenses.
When I was in my 20’s the desire for love and for sexual satisfaction brought on a period of having many relationships and trying many new things sexually. It was a time of much experimentation, variety and learning for me, yet I could not find what I was seeking. I thought the experience of being in a relationship would end the loneliness but it did not. Neither did any of my sexual experiences, or the strong support of loving community that was a big part of my life. I felt the same loneliness/emptiness in the arms of my boyfriends, in a group of my close friends, having sex, confidently presenting/working in front of large groups, and in all other activities. I could not find fulfillment anywhere or in anything, despite the fact that to the rest of the world I was socially active, outgoing, had a good employment outlook, a graduate degree and all kinds of interesting experiences and stories to tell.
In my mid 30s, some big spiritual awakenings started taking place. I now understood that I was awakening and spirituality entered my life in a big way. I researched, read and learned from others. I started to relate to myself, to others, and to the world around me in new ways. Things that happened in my childhood now made sense and this gave me more confidence to be myself, even through the difficulties. My husband did not understand my sudden interest in spirituality and was not interested in supporting me in the changes to my life that I now felt an urgency to make. I moved on. My family and most of my friends did not understand why I made the changes in my life or even what I meant by “spiritual path.” I was lonely but I was also grateful and the whole world was my playground to explore and to learn. I went through many changes, including many changes of residence. The coping mechanisms that I used to cover my pain from others and to hide from my true love inside started falling away rapidly. I felt not only lonely but vulnerable and in a state of constant change/uncertainty. It was a very powerful time of rapid growth for me. I learned a lot from it.
I have heard that people often face the same issues over and over, and although they may think it means they have not accomplished anything, it is actually a spiral process of opening to deeper levels of healing. I know now from my experience that healing is not a linear process, nor is it ever complete as we are always growing and learning. However, there comes a point where we realize we are the love and there is no need to find the love/fulfillment in anyone or anything. We recognize the perfection in the process, in the “imperfection.” We taste the joy of our own wholeness. This is the experience of true love and I live it everyday. I believe the loneliness that I feel sometimes is an incredible gift because it is the path home (to myself). It is the call to live as divine love. It is what Buddhism refers to as being an empty vessel. To know true love is to face the experience of not having. This is my path and I am grateful. I also believe that eventually every person feels the need to walk this path, whether just for a short while for their own healing cleansing, or as a choice they make to add to the love in the world by serving in this way. Either way I hope this article is helpful.
In Peace and Gratitude,
Linda White Dove
http://www.lindawhitedove.com
http://www.energymedicinecabinet.com
The purpose of my articles and poetry is to inspire you to see yourself and the world around you from an expanded, healing perspective. If you would like personal assistance applying the information in this article/poem to your life circumstances, the Living Oneness Attunement and the Sexual Empowerment Attunement are designed for this purpose.
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